Aries: Stop allowing others to win, it’s reaming arrogant. Just stick to being the gloating bastard everyone has worked so hard to tolerate thus far.
Taurus: Women wearing white bring disturbing news. Avoid nurses, hygienists, and anything involving chili.
Gemini: An unexpected email from relatives will arrive. Don’t write back, use a toss-away phone. You wouldn’t want anything you say on record.
Cancer: Long distance adventure appeals to you. You will inflate your travel pillow too soon, and due to cabin pressure, wake up over Hong Kong choking and blue and looking like an idiot.
Leo: Sun squares Saturn. You grow paranoid. Obsessed with self-defense fantasies, you will replay *Sean Penn’s pop-cans-in-the-pillowcase scene from Bad Boys until your roommate calls your mother.
Virgo: For much of this month, you are especially helpful with correcting your friends’ grammar. It is a service worthy of at least being thanked for. Embrace the impending solitude.
Libra: Don’t google “blue waffle.” Just…don’t.
Scorpio: All the things you desire will require many attempts before you can finally grasp them – except for your crotch. Frustrating. Or…is it?
Sagittarius: Sun square Jupiter brings a gamble in sexual affairs. Since you are literally hung like a horse, it’s safe to say you can disregard this particular astronomical aspect now, and in the future.
Capricorn: Your every intention will be misinterpreted, but you are such a stone-cold opportunist you will end up an enigmatic millionaire because of it anyway. Screw you.
Aquarius: Finances are in the spotlight. Turn off the bloody spotlight, already.
Pisces: Let’s face it. Mars retrograde, opposite Venus, quincunx Regulus in Leo and staring down your Imum Coeli for the next several days confuses you. Just keep swimming around in that opposite-fish-going kind of way. There, that works.